I found this to be a very powerful poem that can help explain how
some of us feel low level anxiety and insecurity throughout life.

Often many of us can have self-doubts or a deep inner security
within ourselves that has its origins in our psyche – as "shame".
Like a shadow it lurks in the background flavouring all our deepest
moods, taking the edge off our positivity and our inner peace in life.


"Toxic shame" comes from our parents and theirs and theirs..
passed on in critical perfectionism, anger, rage, doubt and insecurity..
 

 

   
Written by Leo Booth, John Bradshaw also adds some aspects in his
    book: “
Healing the Shame That Binds”
 

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME


I was there at your conception
In the epinephrine of your mother's shame
You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb
I came upon you before you could speak
Before you understood
Before you had any way of knowing
I came upon you when you were learning to walk
When you were unprotected and exposed
When you were vulnerable and needy
Before you had any boundaries:
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I came upon you when you were magical
Before you could know I was there
I severed your soulI pierced you to the core
I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective
I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt,
worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness
I made you feel different
I told you there was something wrong with you
I soiled your Godlikeness:
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I existed before conscience
Before guilt
Before morality
I am the master emotion
I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation
I am the internal shudder that courses through you without
any mental preparation
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I live in secrecyIn the deep moist banks of darkness
Depression and despair
Always I sneak up on you
I catch you off guard
I come through the back door
Uninvited unwanted
The first to arrive
I was there at the beginning of time
With Father Adam, Mother Eve
Brother Cain
I was at the Tower of Babel
The Slaughter of the Innocents:
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment,
ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems
I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage
The cruel remarks of siblings
The jeering humiliation of other children
The awkward reflection in the mirrors
The touch that feels icky and frightening
The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust
I am intensified by a racist, sexist culture
The righteous condemnation of religious bigots
The fears and pressures of schooling
The hypocrisy of politicians
The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I can transform a woman, man, a Jewish person, a blackperson,
a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into A bitch,
a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfish little bastard
I bring a pain that is chronic
A pain that will not go away
I am the hunter that stalks you night and day
Every day everywhere
I have no boundaries
You try to hide from me, but you cannot
Because I live inside of you
I make you feel hopeless
Like there is no way out
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others
through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy,
judgment, power, and rage.My pain is so intense
You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, re-enactment
and unconscious ego defenses.
My pain is so intense
That you must numb out and no longer feel me.
I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist
- you experience absence and emptiness.
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I am the core of co-dependency
I am spiritual bankruptcy
The logic of absurdity
The repetition compulsion
I am crime, violence, incest, rape
I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions
I am insatiability and lust
I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,
Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer, Goethe's Faust
I twist who you are into what you do and have
I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME


Alice Miller wrote:
it is even worse than being the survivor of a concentration camp.

The abused inmates of a concentration camp ...
are inwardly free to hate their persecutors.
The opportunity to experience their feelings,
even to share them with other inmates,
prevents them from having to surrender their self....
This opportunity does not exist for children.
They must not hate their mother or father, they cannot hate them
because they fear losing their love as a result.. ..


Thus children, unlike concentration camp inmates,
are confronted by a tormentor they love!


The child continues to live in his torment, passively suffering or lashing out,
acting out, acting in, projecting and expressing her/himself in the only ways
s/he knows. Reclaiming that child is the first stage of our homecoming journey.

 

 
     
                          
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